Black Friday: Be afraid, be very afraid.
I’ve clearly either been living in a cave recently, or I’m just not ‘down with the kids’ anymore. Something very scary is happening. I’ve always liked to pride myself on knowing the latest terms for things. But last week I found my Twitter feed obsessed with an unfamiliar hashtag. #BlackFriday.
Hmmm, I pondered. What’s going on here? Has something incredibly bad has happened in the world – let’s face it, it does every day – and people are marking it? Or is this the anniversary of an incredibly important and obvious historic event that I should know about?
As it turned out, it was neither. Apparently it’s a 21st century term referring to a festive feeding frenzy of the retail variety. In essence, people running screaming to the shops like some sort of human Grand National before beating the hell out of each other to secure that plasma telly for little Brian.
And now I’m hearing that today is Cyber Monday. Admittedly I’ve not done much research, but presumably this is where the same thing happens online. I can just imagine the internet fit to burst, buckling under a barrage of online orders. The bizarre conversation that has popped into my head goes something like this:
Me: *Brow furrowed, near death-stare at screen.*
In my head: KEEP CLICKING THAT MOUSE. KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING…FIGHT UNTIL THE END.
The Internet: LOUISE, IT’S THE INTERNET HERE. LOG OFF. LOG OFF. STOP, IT’S TOO MUCH. I CAN’T BLOODY COPE..BOOM.”
Black Friday and Cyber Monday. These terms appear to bring a sliver of amusement when referred to. Usually accompanied by a roll of the eyes and a chuckle. But beware, they also present a stark lesson. “Get your Christmas goods now folks, otherwise all is lost. You will be doomed and your family and friends will hate you for not being able to get the present you wanted to get them, despite them not being aware of it yet….” And of course there’s so little time to shop. I mean there are only twenty-three days until Christmas. Twenty-three whole days. Yelp.
I wonder who would win in a fight?
Roll up, roll up, it’s Black Friday v Cyber Monday. Physical v digital. Get your seats here folks. Good news for the God of Commercialisation. Because as far as he’s concerned, either one’s a winner. Result!
My brother used to employ his own, rather ingenious Christmas shopping tactic.
1. Wait until Christmas Eve.
2. Go to shops at 4pm and spend an hour buying everything.
3. Wrap up presents in tinfoil and/or old newspaper. No need for Sellotape TM*
4. *TM – a term I’ve coined right now. Tinfoil Monday.
Tinfoil Monday: The way forward
In fact, with all these weird terms flying about, wouldn’t it be great if you could just make up your own? With this in mind, I’ve created:
Mooching Monday – Lie in and don’t go to work.
Truthful Tuesday: Where you can tell everyone what you really think of them. No consequences.
Wallowing Wednesday: Bask happily in your own self-indulgence. Also known as Whine Wednesday.
Tranquil Thursday: Doesn’t involve 1. Travelling on the Tube. 2. Deadlines. Does involve: 1. Staying in bed all day.
Fabulous Friday: Free rein to tell everyone how wonderful you are.
Salacious Saturday: 1. Alcohol. 2. Karaoke 3. Dancing
Splendid Sunday: 1. Sunday Roast. 2. Sleep
And as an added extra, another term I’ve created. Saddo Scottish Cynic. Can be used every day of the year.